The official positions and jobs that different dog breeds would have in a football team, coaching staff and football media


QB Australian Shepherd

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The smartest dog for my money. Field coach. Elite elusiveness, formidable explosiveness, plus hyper intelligence to make pre-snapshot adjustments while retaining the ability to focus on the big picture. Patrick Mahomes with the eyes of Max Scherzers

English Bulldog FB

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The American Bulldog is slightly stronger, but the British Bulldog has a much lower center of gravity and a low dog wins. Tenacious as hell and has the ability to focus on his mission. Very beautiful in an ugly way

RB: Border Collie

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Game-changing footspeed and lateral quickness. Just as smart as the Aussie in terms of spatial awareness, but can hit a corner if you need to work the edges. One paw in the ground and see you soon. The Border Collie is also deadly in the passing game, and due to its protective nature, it is indispensable for blocking passes in today’s NFL.

WR1: Greyhound

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Speed ​​kills. 40 mph in open field. Blink and he’s gone. Sort of a DK Metcalf type of straight-line speed, in that it turns with about the same precision as an aircraft carrier, but will command a safety every time or else its 6 in your eyeball. Subjected to laziness and will follow him when he’s not the primary receiver, but the good news is when you have a Randy Moss at WR1 it really matters

WR2: Golden Retriever

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Next question

Slot Guy if needed: Austin Collie

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TE: Rottwiler

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This motherfucker prides himself on his blocking ability. We’re built to not only destroy the opponent’s will, but also their mic and sam. He’s the Greg Kittle of dogs, you won’t attack him unless he lets you. We will average 7 yards per carry

LT: Great Dane

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Some people think that’s a position for a St Bernard, HOWEVER (voiced by Steven a Smith/Shawn Hoculi) Times are changing and so is the NFL. We want a versatile athlete at the tackle, not just a big body. May be lanky, but with the help of our strength and conditioning program (more on that later) he’ll be a fucking mauler and with his long arms he’ll neutralize your pass rush. I’ll take him to space on the screens and zone blocking games on the edge and with his fate you’ll never get your hands on our QB

LG: English Mastiff

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The biggest and strongest dog in the world. Not super smart but he only has two jobs – protecting the QB and crushing everything. If you’re on his team, he’ll love you unconditionally, but if you try to attack someone he loves, you’ll wish your mother female dog had strangled you at birth

*not being disrespectful is a dog word

C: Bernese Mountain Dog

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A little lighter than the Mastiff but also much more intelligent and stubborn. Responsible for calling out adjustments to the line, keeping the mastiffs head in the game. He’s also a big shaggy mess that would look cool with his hair sticking out of the helmet

GR: Newfoundland

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A mud. Can work in snow or rain. Slightly lighter than the mastiff, the newfy is still a fucking giant. He will become extremely stinky without regular baths and is smart enough to cheat. The Mark Schlereth of Dogs

RT: Irish Greyhound

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Same logic as the Dane but has superior ball skills for gimmick plays and big dog touchdowns. This dog would look badass in the snow without sleeves. Also plays with an extra chip on his shoulder during London games


EDGE: Dobermann

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Huge burst from the edge and is shaped to drop people into space. Due to its historical use, it is very effective in blitzing. Can also easily go into coverage on zone assignments

DT: Saint Bernard

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Space eater. Minimum double team or else he goes home. Wears barrels of brandy on his neck to heat up the QB

DT: Tibetan Mastiff

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Type Vita Vea with his mane, absolute monster of a dog. Bullying personified. Liberate Tibet among others.

EDGE: Cane Corso

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This dog is fucking shaken up. Correspondence nightmare. TJ Watt of Dogs. Violent, loyal, faster than fuck, nose for the ball. Ultra tight skin so you can’t hold it if you try. Your quarterback is going to die.

Will LB: Pitbull

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Elite Athleticism to guard the crossings and will never miss a tackle. Can pin his ears if necessary and also rush the setter due to his inherited hatred of certain mobile QBs

Mike LB: German Shepherd

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MLB wears the green dot for his coach, a police officer, to instruct him on who to kill. Specifically, I would like that dog to be Major Biden. Will destroy any game plan, no matter how carefully you have prepared it. Curious post-match journalists will also be bitten. Nimble enough to cover crossing roads, but you better bring two guys to block it or else.

Sam LB: Husky/ Alaskan Malamute (it’s the same dog, come on).

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Designed for playoff weather. Extremely fast and powerful, but has the mentality of literally never stopping eating until he dies, so he’ll have no problem maintaining his weight to cover big tight ends. Hyper smart and puts all the extra reps on the blocking sled. Very vocal and communicative

CB: Blue heel

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Boundless smart energy, terrific jumper, trainer, fluid hips, jerky steps, ball skills, keeps everything in front of him and takes elite angles to bring it all inside. Will need psychological coaching to filter out enemies as he cares about sheep

CB: Red Heel

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See Blue Heeler, except this red one

SS: Belgian Malinois yes yes we all thought of the German Shepherd joke here too

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Probably pound for pound the best athlete on the court. Safe tackler, neutralizes the bomb and can play from literally any position. Troy Pawamalu is a kind of dog that will outrun you with every step and outrun you once you catch up with his brains. If ISIS got a team, they fucked

FS: pointer

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Speed, intelligence, and the instinct to hunt down injured ducks make the Shorthaired Pointer a staple of high school PFT.

On the field:

Referee: Bloodhound

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The ultimate detective.

Paramedic: Dalmatia

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Chain gang: Six French bulldogs

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Supervisors :

Strength and Conditioning Coach: Fila Braselioro

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The filas breed description is literally “this dog is bred to kill everything, especially strangers”. This will keep you in line. He bonds with a person or a family unit to the point where they had to invent a word in Brazilian to describe how suspicious he is of strangers. I knew a Fila once, and that was at dog shows where the judges were instructed not to deduct points if he tried to bite them, because that’s what the dog is supposed to do. Don’t leave it near the media or any of the gaming families. The fact that this dog was bred to keep the South American plantations in his temperament means he’s likely going to be hired by Urban Meyer first.

Get Back Coach: service dog

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Offensive Line Coach: Carlin

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The big boys up front will laugh and make fun of him behind his back, but that motherfucker knows his shit and he’s serious, so they respect him like they would their own dad

Offensive Coordinator: Chocolate Lab

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Former elite college QB who was unluckily injured while presumably playing Fedex court. Smart, organized and likable enough to always be a potential threat to replace the head coach if he makes a mistake

Potential Interim Linebacker Coach/Head Coach: Boxer

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Was a record linebacker in his college DII, probably somewhere in Ohio. But just didn’t have the size to make it on the show despite being drafted in the 5th round. Infinite respect for his teammates and other coaches. Exceptional understanding of technique and can still be naughty enough to kick the head coach’s ass if he forgets where he’s from

Defensive Coordinator: Akita

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The Akita will never get a head coaching opportunity because he is too stubborn and sometimes emotional to represent an entire franchise. Looks like he always wears a hoodie. Looks a bit like the doge dog that could be funny in boot camp skits when the rookie doberman needs to make an impression. Will pretend to laugh at himself during the skit, but will secretly hold ill will until he can make the doberman vomit from additional conditioning exercises. Sometimes too aggressive, but will retire before changing his ways

Head Coach: Mutt

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Has all the best attributes of each race. Can identify with all the dogs in the locker room as Bruce Arians. Includes all positions and will train up to 115 dog years. I had to scratch and claw for everything he has. His dad was probably the navy goat for all he knows


Secondary Journalist: Corgi

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Smart, curious and cute as hell. Will also look hilarious in post-game interviews standing next to giant Great Danes and would be hilarious carrying a giant thermometer

Play By Play Dog: Beagle

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Extremely presentable and likeable, talkative enough to always want to tell, but also the cleanest. Definitely went to Syracuse

Color Commentator: Goldendoodle

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Fun enough to want to hang out with, probably chased a significant amount of tail in his day, smart enough to identify different guys, but also just a bit whimsical enough to keep sponsors happy

Studio Show Host: Shih-tzu

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Spends 3 hours doing her hair and makeup and is secretly hated by everyone, but is hugely successful at her only job of looking expensive

Analytics Studio Panelist: Chihuahua

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He’s never played the game but won’t shut up about the adjusted ypa and win rate+

Obsolete former trainer who gets mad at the analysis guy: Basset Hound

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Speaks with authority, moves slowly, drools over himself, and kind of gets food in his ears, but is the sweetest person on set

NFL Insider: Leroy

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Football Podcast Host: Stella

League Commissioner: Boston Dynamics Robot Dog

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Pretty much an emotionless Nazi whose only job is to enforce landlord rules and make big bucks for billionaires


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