QB Australian Shepherd
The smartest dog for my money. Field coach. Elite elusiveness, formidable explosiveness, plus hyper intelligence to make pre-snapshot adjustments while retaining the ability to focus on the big picture. Patrick Mahomes with the eyes of Max Scherzers
English Bulldog FB

The American Bulldog is slightly stronger, but the British Bulldog has a much lower center of gravity and a low dog wins. Tenacious as hell and has the ability to focus on his mission. Very beautiful in an ugly way
RB: Border Collie
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Game-changing footspeed and lateral quickness. Just as smart as the Aussie in terms of spatial awareness, but can hit a corner if you need to work the edges. One paw in the ground and see you soon. The Border Collie is also deadly in the passing game, and due to its protective nature, it is indispensable for blocking passes in today’s NFL.
WR1: Greyhound

Speed kills. 40 mph in open field. Blink and he’s gone. Sort of a DK Metcalf type of straight-line speed, in that it turns with about the same precision as an aircraft carrier, but will command a safety every time or else its 6 in your eyeball. Subjected to laziness and will follow him when he’s not the primary receiver, but the good news is when you have a Randy Moss at WR1 it really matters
WR2: Golden Retriever

Next question
Slot Guy if needed: Austin Collie

TE: Rottwiler

This motherfucker prides himself on his blocking ability. We’re built to not only destroy the opponent’s will, but also their mic and sam. He’s the Greg Kittle of dogs, you won’t attack him unless he lets you. We will average 7 yards per carry
LT: Great Dane

Some people think that’s a position for a St Bernard, HOWEVER (voiced by Steven a Smith/Shawn Hoculi) Times are changing and so is the NFL. We want a versatile athlete at the tackle, not just a big body. May be lanky, but with the help of our strength and conditioning program (more on that later) he’ll be a fucking mauler and with his long arms he’ll neutralize your pass rush. I’ll take him to space on the screens and zone blocking games on the edge and with his fate you’ll never get your hands on our QB
LG: English Mastiff
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The biggest and strongest dog in the world. Not super smart but he only has two jobs – protecting the QB and crushing everything. If you’re on his team, he’ll love you unconditionally, but if you try to attack someone he loves, you’ll wish your mother female dog had strangled you at birth
*not being disrespectful is a dog word
C: Bernese Mountain Dog

A little lighter than the Mastiff but also much more intelligent and stubborn. Responsible for calling out adjustments to the line, keeping the mastiffs head in the game. He’s also a big shaggy mess that would look cool with his hair sticking out of the helmet
GR: Newfoundland

A mud. Can work in snow or rain. Slightly lighter than the mastiff, the newfy is still a fucking giant. He will become extremely stinky without regular baths and is smart enough to cheat. The Mark Schlereth of Dogs
RT: Irish Greyhound

Same logic as the Dane but has superior ball skills for gimmick plays and big dog touchdowns. This dog would look badass in the snow without sleeves. Also plays with an extra chip on his shoulder during London games
Defense
EDGE: Dobermann

Huge burst from the edge and is shaped to drop people into space. Due to its historical use, it is very effective in blitzing. Can also easily go into coverage on zone assignments
DT: Saint Bernard

Space eater. Minimum double team or else he goes home. Wears barrels of brandy on his neck to heat up the QB
DT: Tibetan Mastiff

Type Vita Vea with his mane, absolute monster of a dog. Bullying personified. Liberate Tibet among others.
EDGE: Cane Corso

This dog is fucking shaken up. Correspondence nightmare. TJ Watt of Dogs. Violent, loyal, faster than fuck, nose for the ball. Ultra tight skin so you can’t hold it if you try. Your quarterback is going to die.
Will LB: Pitbull

Elite Athleticism to guard the crossings and will never miss a tackle. Can pin his ears if necessary and also rush the setter due to his inherited hatred of certain mobile QBs
Mike LB: German Shepherd

MLB wears the green dot for his coach, a police officer, to instruct him on who to kill. Specifically, I would like that dog to be Major Biden. Will destroy any game plan, no matter how carefully you have prepared it. Curious post-match journalists will also be bitten. Nimble enough to cover crossing roads, but you better bring two guys to block it or else.
Sam LB: Husky/ Alaskan Malamute (it’s the same dog, come on).

Designed for playoff weather. Extremely fast and powerful, but has the mentality of literally never stopping eating until he dies, so he’ll have no problem maintaining his weight to cover big tight ends. Hyper smart and puts all the extra reps on the blocking sled. Very vocal and communicative
CB: Blue heel

Boundless smart energy, terrific jumper, trainer, fluid hips, jerky steps, ball skills, keeps everything in front of him and takes elite angles to bring it all inside. Will need psychological coaching to filter out enemies as he cares about sheep
CB: Red Heel

See Blue Heeler, except this red one
SS: Belgian Malinois yes yes we all thought of the German Shepherd joke here too

Probably pound for pound the best athlete on the court. Safe tackler, neutralizes the bomb and can play from literally any position. Troy Pawamalu is a kind of dog that will outrun you with every step and outrun you once you catch up with his brains. If ISIS got a team, they fucked
FS: pointer

Speed, intelligence, and the instinct to hunt down injured ducks make the Shorthaired Pointer a staple of high school PFT.
On the field:
Referee: Bloodhound

The ultimate detective.
Paramedic: Dalmatia

Chain gang: Six French bulldogs

Supervisors :
Strength and Conditioning Coach: Fila Braselioro

The filas breed description is literally “this dog is bred to kill everything, especially strangers”. This will keep you in line. He bonds with a person or a family unit to the point where they had to invent a word in Brazilian to describe how suspicious he is of strangers. I knew a Fila once, and that was at dog shows where the judges were instructed not to deduct points if he tried to bite them, because that’s what the dog is supposed to do. Don’t leave it near the media or any of the gaming families. The fact that this dog was bred to keep the South American plantations in his temperament means he’s likely going to be hired by Urban Meyer first.
Get Back Coach: service dog

Offensive Line Coach: Carlin

The big boys up front will laugh and make fun of him behind his back, but that motherfucker knows his shit and he’s serious, so they respect him like they would their own dad
Offensive Coordinator: Chocolate Lab

Former elite college QB who was unluckily injured while presumably playing Fedex court. Smart, organized and likable enough to always be a potential threat to replace the head coach if he makes a mistake
Potential Interim Linebacker Coach/Head Coach: Boxer

Was a record linebacker in his college DII, probably somewhere in Ohio. But just didn’t have the size to make it on the show despite being drafted in the 5th round. Infinite respect for his teammates and other coaches. Exceptional understanding of technique and can still be naughty enough to kick the head coach’s ass if he forgets where he’s from
Defensive Coordinator: Akita

The Akita will never get a head coaching opportunity because he is too stubborn and sometimes emotional to represent an entire franchise. Looks like he always wears a hoodie. Looks a bit like the doge dog that could be funny in boot camp skits when the rookie doberman needs to make an impression. Will pretend to laugh at himself during the skit, but will secretly hold ill will until he can make the doberman vomit from additional conditioning exercises. Sometimes too aggressive, but will retire before changing his ways
Head Coach: Mutt

Has all the best attributes of each race. Can identify with all the dogs in the locker room as Bruce Arians. Includes all positions and will train up to 115 dog years. I had to scratch and claw for everything he has. His dad was probably the navy goat for all he knows
Media:
Secondary Journalist: Corgi
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Smart, curious and cute as hell. Will also look hilarious in post-game interviews standing next to giant Great Danes and would be hilarious carrying a giant thermometer
Play By Play Dog: Beagle

Extremely presentable and likeable, talkative enough to always want to tell, but also the cleanest. Definitely went to Syracuse
Color Commentator: Goldendoodle

Fun enough to want to hang out with, probably chased a significant amount of tail in his day, smart enough to identify different guys, but also just a bit whimsical enough to keep sponsors happy
Studio Show Host: Shih-tzu

Spends 3 hours doing her hair and makeup and is secretly hated by everyone, but is hugely successful at her only job of looking expensive
Analytics Studio Panelist: Chihuahua

He’s never played the game but won’t shut up about the adjusted ypa and win rate+
Obsolete former trainer who gets mad at the analysis guy: Basset Hound

Speaks with authority, moves slowly, drools over himself, and kind of gets food in his ears, but is the sweetest person on set
NFL Insider: Leroy
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Football Podcast Host: Stella
League Commissioner: Boston Dynamics Robot Dog

Pretty much an emotionless Nazi whose only job is to enforce landlord rules and make big bucks for billionaires